My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
