Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
