dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
