I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
