im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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