Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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