Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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