I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
