An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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