dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
