Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize