I can text with my tongue
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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