im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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