the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
