The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
