So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
