Just mADE A PArabola og urine
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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