why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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