I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
