I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
