my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
