just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
