Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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