You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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