i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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