Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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