im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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