You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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