Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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