The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
there is puke in my bra ... again
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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