We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
