I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
