Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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