If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
