It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize