Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
