i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize