Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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