the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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