Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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