Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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