I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
