All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
