She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
