I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
