and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
