This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
