had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm at about main and main street
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
