I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Randomize
