Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The feeling are messing with the penis
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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