grandma shit on top of the toilet
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
