I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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