I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
