i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize