I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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