R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
