bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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